A Kinder, Gentler, Foxier Camelot

Hey Hollywood. We know you're reading this blog (who could blame you, honestly), and we'd like to take a moment to take this relationship to the next level. That's right, we want to make a King Arthur movie. I don't know if you've perused your DVD collection lately, but Arthurian cinema is in a sad state. Woefully inaccurate (First Knight), boring (King Arthur), and silly (Excalibur), the only film worth it's salt is the made-for-TV movie Merlin. Come on Hollywood, do you really want to be outdone by a made-for-TV movie?

Here are our casting choices (script coming soon...):

Arthur -- 1st choice: Jack Davenport...don't let legend fool you, no matter how hard he tries, Arthur just can't seem to get shit done. He can't please his wife (pulling the sword from the stone is about as phallic as Arthur gets) or kill anything without the help of his knights. Jack is in his element playing powerful characters who never meet their goal. Or maybe I've just seen Pirates of the Carri bean too many times. 2nd choice: Anthony Stewart Head...if he isn't too busy running Britain or slaying vampires or anything.

Lancelot -- Kevin Kline...Maybe some of you have seen a little movie titled A Fish Called Wanda in which K-Kline seduces Jamie Lee Curtis by speaking Italian to her in bed. PICTURE THIS: Lancelot is a Roman knight (a sword prodigy with pretty hair) who was banished from the court for seducing the Emperor's daughters. He's a bad guy (Arthur didn't get along with Rome), gone good at the Round Table, gone very bad after taking Guenevere to new heights of adulterous ecstasy. Hey, when you look that good, you can't help who falls into bed with you...

P.S. You're wrong. K-Kline is still a fox.

Guinevere -- Cate Blanchett...could anyone else pull off this beautiful/bitchy/barren/adulterous queen quite like Cate? After Arthur uncovers her infidelity she will either A) get burnt at the stake or B) go crazy with grief and travel to Canada to form a Celtic, lesbian metal band with Isolde (see below).

Isolde -- Kate Winslet...a princes from Ireland, Isolde was engaged to King Mark from the British mainland. Tristan was sent to fetch her for the wedding, and (depending on the author) they either fall madly in love or accidentally take a love potion and fall madly in love. Either way Kate gets to make out with Christian AND Mads (see below).

Tristan -- Christian Bale...Tristan was once described as being the pinnacle of masculinity. I kid you not, this movie practically casts itself. What's really interesting about Tristan is that everyone is totally enamored by him, and I mean EVERYONE. When he arrives at King Mark's court, the author spends like half a page describing Tristan's legs. And Mark totally wants to do him. It's a love triangle that swings both ways.

King Mark -- Mads Mikkelson...interesting side note: Mads played Tristan (the guy with the hawk) in King Arthur. Would save lots of money as Mads already knows how to be totally bad ass.

Isolde's lady servant -- Angelica Huston...As a result of her love affair with Tristan, Isolde is not a virgin on her wedding night to King Mark. Drama! The crafty queen enlists her servant to pose as herself in bed so Mark will not become suspicious. Unfortunately, Angelica calls out "Mon chere" whilst in the throes of passion and the jig is up. Raul Julia is made to rise from the grave and take over.

Kay -- Steve Coogan...he's slightly incompetent, boorish and probably goes into battle drunk more often than he should. Yet Kay's loyalty to Arthur is never questioned. He's the life of the feast or your average castle-raising party...much like Steve Coogan.

Galahad -- Tim Roth...the pure, Christian knight, Galahad is Lancelot's bastard son with a woman who pretended to be Guenevere for a night. Upon discovering she was bearing his son, Lancelot took off. Very chivalrous, Dad. Also, being a knight of the Round Table, Galahad gets all the pussy he wants served to him on a silver platter, but he doesn't want it. Gallant, religious Galahad remains celibate throughout the legend. And really, no one wants to see Tim Roth have sex anyways. Everybody wins.

Gawain -- Heath Ledger...Gawain is basically the best knight ever. He's the guy you call if you've got a Saxon problem and was named #1 hottest bachelor of the Round Table. Also, in the Alliterative Morte Arthure, Arthur may get some of his blood in Gawain's beard as he's kissing him on G's deathbed. Exchange of bodily fluids = hot, Arthurian, knight-sex.

The Green Knight -- Sean Connery, reprising his unforgettable role from the 1980s epic film The Sword of the Valiant...and if he won't come out of retirement, I guess rugged Hugh Jackman would be our second choice. With Eric Bana coming in as a close third. A money-saver as he already has his costume. Some Hulk-related humor for you...you're welcome.

Gogmagog -- Phillip Semore Hoffman -- People claim that PSH can play anyone. Well Gogmagog is a giant. Let's see Mr. Capote try and take that role on. If he fails, we can always try and get Ben Kingsley. Cause you know, he is a Sexy Beast.

Yeah, I went there.

Mordred -- Jonathan Rhys Meyers...the guy was basically made for this role. He plays a king in The Tudors, a murderer in Matchpoint and a product of an incestuous relationship in Bend It Like Beckham. Kiera was his mom, right? Mordred is the knight who takes down Arthur and Camelot. Mutinous knight or the love-child of Arthur and his sister? Either way Mordred is always pissed off. But deliciously foxy nonetheless.

Merlin -- Gary Oldman...magic and fantasy are two crucial elements to making a King Arthur movie successful. You can't skip Merlin (shame on you, First Knight) or make him a normal man (King Arthur) because his magical presence is part of what makes the legend so unforgettable. Gary Oldman brings the wisdom, playfulness and mysticism needed to bring this character back in style. Would save money yet again as Gary already has that super ridiculous hat.

Morgan Le Fay -- Helena Bonham Carter...Sometimes she's a vengeful witch. Most of the time, she's Mordred's mother and Arthur's half-sister/lover. Go watch Merlin, and you'll understand why we have to cast Bonham Carter.

In fact, just go watch Merlin.

MY DREAM TEAM

Johnny Depp.

Tim Burton.

Stephen Sondheim.

Obscure Celebrity Crush* of the week: Jewel Staite

Most of you, unless you know me personally, have never heard of Jewel Staite. She is most famous for her role on perhaps the geekiest Sci-Fi show ever, “Firefly.” While she does some great work as Kaylee Frye on that show, you have to dig deeper into her past to know why she holds a special place in my heart.

You probably would recognize her from her days on such children’s classic shows as her runs on “Are you Afraid of the Dark?” (she was the girl who was going to get trapped in the painting) or the Disney Channel classic of our time, “Flash Forward”. We all felt some sort of euphoric release when Becca and Tucker (an adorably awkward Ben Foster) finally shared that kiss. It wasn’t until her turn as Catalina on the short lived Nickelodeon show “Space Cases” (which, I’ve come to realize, is pretty much the same show as firefly only with younger people) that I really decided I was a true Jewel Staite fan.

I had gotten to that age where you it seems like a great idea to write a fan letter to every celebrity you like. While my letters to the Spice Girls and Zac Hanson have yet to be answered, a few celebrities have seen fit to send me some form letters back. I got a particularly cold response from Ann M. Martin, who I’ve heard gets sick of people telling her about how much the Babysitters Club affected their childhood.

In the midst of all this letter writing, my strong interest in astronomy as well as my love for her character’s rainbow hair prompted me to write Jewel Staite a fan letter. Imagine my little 12 year old surprise when she sent me a HAND-WRITTEN LETTER back. And not only did she personally answer all of my questions, she asked me to please write her back, which I did. Which led to another handwritten response! I got two hand-written letters from her! I don’t remember any of the details of these letters, but I still recall how excited I got when I received them.

Jewel’s career soon took off, with a guest starring role on “So Weird” on the Disney channel, playing the gothic girl on the ABC family drama “Higher Ground” and finally her well-known “Firefly” role. Hopefully she will continue to be “that one girl” in more shows in the future.

Unfortunately, I became a very busy 6^th grader, and let my writing to Jewel fall by the wayside. I still kick myself because I could have an ultra cool pen pal who goes to comic cons and stuff. She’s too big to be able to write me back now, but thanks to technology I can creepily check her Myspace blog to find out what she’s up to. Whenever she mentions her love for Donny Osmond or her longing to be the Little Mermaid, I know she is writing those entries just for me.

*Unfortunately, my crush on Jewel is a mere girl crush. I'm afraid boobs gross me out too much for it to be a full-blown crush. sorry!

The Panic in Historic Virginia's Jamestown Park

Just finished watching The New World. Only two years late on this one. Aside from Christian Bale's inability to be in non-Pocahontas related films, I absolutely loved it. Admittedly, it's damn hard to watch this movie without Disney's Pocahontas being ingrained into my life's experience. The scene where Pocahontas puts hand prints on Colin Ferrel's chest... seriously? A) of all it's supposed to be on Kokoum and B) of all her hand is supposed to morph into an animal print. I also quite liked the take on the "This is how we say hello" scene, where Colin Ferrel's eyes dart around to make sure no one's looking.

But, this movie was slow, beautiful, painfully historically accurate (except John Smith and Pocahontas never really were together, right?). Really makes you reevaluate your place in America. Not in a super-political way, but in a more... natural way I suppose. In the making of featurette*, I believe it's one of the fight choreographers who's telling the Native American actors that the only difference between them and the English is that they're in complete harmony with their surroundings.

I wish I could say I was in complete harmony with my rent and utilities, but it's just not the same.

And can we just take a moment and remember when Christian Bale kissed Ewan McGregor in Velvet Goldmine and Colin Ferrel kissed Dallas Roberts in A Home at the End of the World? Can we just take that moment? There we go, six degrees of gay. You're welcome.

***

I also watched The Panic in Needle Park***, Al Pacino's first film before The Godfather. Like the tagline says, God help Bobby and Helen. They're in love. IN NEEDLE PARK. At first I watched it because, come on, graphic early '70s movie about heroin, young hot Al Pacino, Joan Didion screenplay, Raul Julia as a stoned painter (a role he revived in Tequila Sunrise), all the makings for a hilarious bad movie. But then... oh no... I got emotionally invested. Two viewings later, this is a fantastic film. There's no soundtrack to it which was interesting, especially when paralled with The New World that is ALL soundtrack. (James Horner, you had me at Titanic.)

*yes, I always watch the making of featurettes**

**and this making of featurette wasn't so much a featurette as it was a feature since it was nearly as long as the movie

***no making of featurette OR feature... in needle park!!

TRANSFORMERS!

Things that would have made Transformers better:

1. If I were a fourteen-year-old boy.

2. Being an hour shorter. In other words, cutting the climax in half.

3. More scantily clad men*.

4. Chris Tucker in a funny wig.

Ok, but I did enjoy this movie. Granted, I fell asleep for a bit in the middle, only to awaken to John Turturro on the screen and thinking I must have still be dreaming. But Shia was great, the Transformers were pretty cool, and nerdy as this is to say, the sound was great. Not like when you're watching the Academy Awards and a movie picks up it's award for best sound and you muse to yourself Huh, Gladiator did have pretty good sound, but like, every screech and zoom the Transformers made was exciting.
Alright, let me de-nerd myself for a second. Raul Julia. Much better, right?

I must say, I was thoroughly touched by Optimus Prime's speech about the human race being such a young race. A reminder that we think we're so civilized right now... it was only a mere several centuries ago that people were pooping on the street. WHILE having conversations with other people. I think I read that in one of those Dr. John's bathroom readers. Figures. But, this movie did pack some nice political commentary about international warfare... or something... I was more interested in what hilariously appropriate songs the Camarro's radio would play.



*Autobots included.

I just saw Constantine from American Idol on The Bold and the Beautiful. I may or may not have watched the whole episode to see the singing pedophile in action.

That is all.

Duh nuh nuh nuh

Mamoushka!

Well you lucky dogs! Two Raul Julia posts in one week? Who could have possibly imagined anything so wonderful ever happening. Sophie and I watched The Addams Family, probably for the first time since I was a preteen. And OH. IT WAS GOOD. It has reminded me of everything that is good and sacred in this world. Namely, my love of all things colorfully gothic. And that's where this movie is most successful --capturing an archaic but rich aesthetic-- rather than when they try to clash it with modern day lawyers and other annoyingly contemporary anachronisms like MC Hammer. (Except for when they go to sleepover camp in The Addams Family Values. Like Hammer said, you can't touch that.) I can see how this film was nominated for best costumes for the Oscars. I know it's probably dated and pointless to review movies from 1991, but seriously, this is one of the more imaginative movies I've seen in a long time. And it's definitely creepy that I loved it with my under-a-decade of life experience 1991 original viewing of it.

In other words, Gomez Addams can be my papi chulo any day.

That's right, the man I marry is going to be a mixture of Raul Julia in The Addams Family and Bill Paxton in Apollo 13. Urinary Tract Infection and all. To well-neededly digress, can we also talk about Angelica Houston being SO. DAMN. DEAD ON. in this movie? Pun intended, because I am awesome like that. And Christina Ricci. AND CHRISTINA RICCI. She's like two-years-old in this movie. And skinnier now. OH I WENT THERE.

But watching this movie again also made me realize just how brilliant of a cartoonist Charles Addams was.

I mean, how hilarious and weird and slightly off is that? Just the right amount.

And apparently they're turning the Addams Family into a musical? Does this mean someone is thinking about combining my loves of macabre comedy with musical comedy? ARE ALL MY DREAMS FINALLY COMING TRUE??

In an ironic twist, drinking while watching this show is probably its only saving grace.

How do we feel about ABC Family's latest effort GrΣΣk? Aside from highly appropriate and hilarious usages of sigmas. I must admit, I was seven shades of stoked when I saw ABC Family was filling the void of taking Everwood out of syndication with a college-themed drama that attempts comedy, yet the Greek pilot was pretty tame despite thinking it was tackling the untouched taboo subject of underage drinking (complete with "please drink responsibly" disclaimer). I'm more interested, big shocker, in the comfortaby gay black subcharacter doing it with boys and having to sneak out of their bedroom windows while the pretty girl has the walk of shame complete with applause from the frat boys.*

Anyways, I will continue to entertain this show wΣΣk by wΣΣk, but for it to really grow on me it needs to cover new ground. I mean, I love me a good college show --I for one watched Felicity her whole four years-- and Undeclared is one of the funniest shows I've ever seen on TV, but these shows rely less on college archetypes from the '50s and more on the weird little things that we all know and love about college. Like dressing up as a girl during rush. I've never seen that on TV!!!!!!1!!11!!

*A scene duplicated in the pinnacle of modern cinema Sorority Boys.

Obscure Celebrity Crush of the Week!: Raul Julia

Alright, it's probably tasteless of me to usher in the new blog by objectifying the talented yet deceased Puerto Rican superhunk Raul Julia, but ever since the very funny TBS played The Addams Family Values, thus bringing me back to my childhood when I had some sort of eerie obsession with that cinematic gem, I realized just how hotter as a faun Mr. Julia could be. Ok, but without the faun. I mean, look at that! The one slightly bulging eye, the subtle debonair smile, the ability to grow impressive facial hair at a moment's notice.

I've slowly been working my way through the Iowa City Public Library's collection of Señor Raul's tantalizing film canon. Homie made a ton of movies! Seriously, who hasn't he played? Gomez, Othello, Selena. I still have quite a few of his films to work through, most direly Frankenstein Unbound and Street Fighter.

What can I say; he looks good in a tux.
But boy oh boy, I just rented the masterpiece One From the Heart --a Francis Ford Coppola picture that he made between Godfathers II and III*. I think of it as the '80s answer to Moulin Rouge, but with less quality and more of Teri Garr's boobs. It's fantastic; he plays the perpetually topless Garr's fantasy man, and Lainie Kazan as the totally against type Jewish best friend character has to keep over-compensating, saying things like, "Ooh, he's so gorgeous!" Clearly she got the memo too. As a Raulphile, this rates as not one of his better flicks, though he does both sing AND dance --a fate that has saved almost all of his movies**.

Cute!

Oh! And let me not forget Kiss of the Spider Woman. I can't believe it took a Raul Julia movie marathon to discover this movie, since I like to pride myself on having seen every film in the That's Rentertainment! queer cinema section. This movie is fantastic. It's super gay (namely, William Hurt, with his red hair, make up, and kimono), has a bearded Raulia, and discusses politics blah blah but no one really cares about that. They totally kiss. "Move over, you're squishing me!" Amazing.

I've officially sunk to a new low.

*a.k.a., a time when his career was still salvagable.

**Namely, Mack the Knife, the contemporary movie version of Brecht's Three Penny Opera starring an aged Richard Harris doing his best Sean Connery impression, a young hot Bill Nighy, and Roger Daltry, lead singer of the Who -who until this point I thought could do no wrong. I WAS WRONG.