Iowa City, 52240

So recently, I have rediscovered the joy that is Beverly Hills, 90210. I watch it as daily as possible on Soapne. I have a fun time seeing the great mid-nineties fashion, as well as calling Tori Spelling a butterface. Today there was a moving performance by a pre-"Iris" Goo Goo Dolls.

Because of this, I decided to do one of my favorite things, Wikipedia the show. The resulting character description for Kelly, played by Jennie Garth, is too good not to include on this blog. I've bulleted the list to make it more effective.

Kelly Taylor:
-Kelly Marlene Taylor was born March 1974.
-Brenda and Donna's best friend
-romantically linked to Steve, Dylan, Brandon, Colin and Matt.
-Reunited with Dylan at the end of series after breaking up years earlier.
-Mother suffered from cocaine and alcohol abuse
-became David's stepsister and has had two half sisters: Erin by her mother and Joy by her father
-was the victim of rumors and gossip during high school
-Seventeen Magazine covergirl
-burned during an electrical fire that broke out at a house rave party
-was brainwashed and joined a cult under the direction of a rogue university professor
-had problems with diet pills and later became addicted to cocaine
-went to rehab and recovered with help of her friends
-was later stalked and held at gunpoint by her roommate from rehab, only escaping after pretending to join the roommate in a suicide pact and then overpowering her and saving both of their lives
-Became pregnant by Brandon, but had a miscarriage due to endometriosis
-was shot in a robbery gone-bad at LAX and subsequently had a brief bout of amnesia
-volunteered at AIDS hospice and later worked at a free clinic where she faced sexual harassment by a doctor but was able to overcome it with the support of Brandon
-Found out Brandon had cheated on her, broke up with him but later reconciled
-nearly married Brandon but they both changed their minds right before walking down the aisle
-Was raped in an alley when attempting to locate Dylan
-shot and killed her rapist, but murder charges were never filed against her, and she's forgiven by his parents for her actions
-Was on show for all ten seasons.

You didn't own MY night, jerkos.

We here at Hotter as a Faun are PISSED OFF. We have been pushed TO THE EDGE. Screw that, we've been pushed to DA edge. As a result, we've composed this open letter to Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg, co-producers of the new cinematic attempt We Own the Night --who probably held hands the entire time they were producing it. Now, we may be a bit spoiled, having watched upwards of 12 extremely well-directed, written, and acted Danish films of indesputable artistic and critical merit in the past two weeks. But still, we feel like making this movie good would not have been a difficult endeavor.

Dear Joaq and Marky,

We know it must be hard, being Hollywood A-Listers, coming away with Oscar noms from substantially good films. We feel for you; the temptation to produce crap amidst a sea of gold is a powerful tempest. We love crap! Have you read our blog recently?

Anyways, we've compiled a list of things that would have made this movie watchable. Don't take it too personally, we know making the most cliched movie we've seen since King Arthur is an admirable endeavor. And that was painful to admit, because you know we love King Arthur. The list is as follows:

1) That photo montage of trashy early '80s era users and the equally trashy cops that loved them was cool. More photo montages.

2) Less boob sucking. You are making boys think boob sucking is cool. (Or if you are going to have boob sucking, tell Eva Mendes how to look like she's enjoying it.)

3) A script. Using letters that have been thrown into some sort of bingo-number-chooser that somehow found their way into words, horrendously unfathomable metaphors, and unnecessary racial slurs probably seemed like a good idea at the time, and props for being creative, but seriously. Try writing a movie script next time.

4) Fun as it is to have the only relatable female character be slutty, two-dimensional, and inconsistenly dumb as a slab of dumb granite --no wait, that's not fun at all.

5) We feel like we're coming off as too harsh. Perhaps you don't know what cliches are. To lend a friendly, helping hand, we've constructed a list for you of the cliches you used.

• Joaquin's seemingly important relationship with Eva Mendes that was completely undermined, unsatisfying, and unsexy. What if he had been gay? Just think of the dramatic possibilities of him sleeping with Vadim, the very drug dealer bad guy he's trying to nab. I mean, you sure played enough Blondie this film. I'm just sayin'.


• Mark Wahlberg's boring, slightly annoyed wife character. Have her sleep with Joaquin. Conflict!


• Eva Mendes acting like a robot can be made infinitely more interesting by Eva Mendes being a robot. It could be a total Blade Runner complex, where Joaquin has to come to terms with if he actually can stomach doing it robo-style.


• SPOILER ALERT! Joaquin and Mark's reconciliation at the end, whispering softly "I love you" to each other. This could be greatly inhanced if Joaquin was giving it to Mark in a tent in Wyoming.

6) Pick a style. Any style. Are you ripping off The Godfather? The Departed? Boogie Nights? I'm totally all about that, but, you know, make a choice. The scenes in the club were pretty badass. More badass than Joaquin's club-owning character, and calling Joaquin anything other than badass feels sacriligeous, so you can see that I mean business.

And to conclude, an open letter to Eva Mendes:

No.

Love,

Sophie and Alisa