The Oscars: A Solemn Reflection

THE FILMS OF TWO-THOUSAND AND EIGHT WHAT IS UP!! I was very pleased with the nominees this year, especially the world's most likable curmudgeonly badass Richard Jenkins, the fact that Wall-E was nominated for a bunch, and the opportunity for Bollywood in Hollywood. I went there. But wait -

LET'S BREAK IT DOWN.

I was SO EXCITED that a) Penelope Cruz was nominated, and b) that she won. Her boobs totally out-acted Scarlett Johansson. It's refreshing to see people that actually, like, do their job. Also, bonus points for Rebecca Hall being in both Vicky Christina Barcelona and Frost/Nixon, anyone? I know at least one of you out there thought that. And by that I mean I know at least one of you saw both of those films.

Woody knows what's up.

Now, I wasn't crazy about Amy Adams in Doubt, but I am crazy about Amy Adams in general. I'm pretty sure this won't be her last time at the Oscars. I'm pretty sure her necklace knows this as well.

Nom-less..............Nom-full.

If I didn't freaking love Milk so much, I would have been bummed that it beat Wall-E, because seriously, Wall-E is some genius writing. But Milk writer Dustin Lance Black was so cute! He kind of reminded me of Christian Bale in that part of Velvet Goldmine where he's all acne-y and a teenager and he's pointing at pre-rehabbed Jonathon Rhys-Myers on the TV and shouting, "Thut's me, Dad! Thut's me!" and then it gets really awkward because JR-M then says something about doing it with boys... I mean that only in the sense that DLB was the kid who called Harvey Milk in the film. Also, was anyone else confused when that Dustin Hoffman/Emma Thompson vehicle Last Chance Harvey came out, and think it was Milk's zombie sequel where Harvey Milk returns to feast on the flesh of the homicidal conservatives? No? Just me?

I was pretty sure Slumdog Millionare was going to have a fairly easy sweep, and I was happy for them. Adapted screenplay was no exception, though my former theatre major did weep a little for itself when neither Doubt nor Frost/Nixon came away with any awards (and this was really the only one that either of them stood a chance in). I haven't seen either of the plays, but I thought that both films did a pretty good job of avoiding the We're Movies That Are Actually Plays Curse. Especially because neither of them have physical action per se (even though Michael Sheen's hair could probably take down JCVD), but action of the verbal variety? Now my former theatre major self is rejoicing.

BAM.

This is the point where I skip all the artsy fartsy crap, including but not limited to short films, cinematography, and Jerry Lewis.

I thought the Actor in a Supporting Role category was pretty interesting this year. I mean, obviously it had to go to Matilda, which kind of bugs me because I still think Heath Ledger should have won for Brokeback Mountain. It's just irritating that he's not getting all the recognition he deserved until he died. I suppose this is common knowledge, but I think I just miss Brokeback Mountain jokes. Where did they go??

Phillip Seymour Hoffman was terrific in Doubt. Definitely the best in the cast along with Supporting Actress nominee and best dressed of the evening Viola Davis (while he was contrastingly the worst dressed of the evening. Antithesis!). And can we talk about Robert Downey Jr.'s nom? I mean, it probably wasn't so much for his performance as it was for the character, but WHAT A META-COMMENT ON THE WAY THE ACADEMY WORKS. And I don't just mean because his character was all about doing insane things like changing his skin pigmentation for a role, but I mean because anyone could have played Anne Hathaway's role in Rachel Getting Married. Even Guy from TV on the Radio. BOGUS LOW BLOW! But kind of true.I wasn't ecstatic that Josh Brolin was nominated for Milk, because I thought he was, well, he played the part. You know who should have been nominated? Mother-fucking Emile Hirsch. For rocking my hair and some big-ass glasses. Seriously, to all my peeps who saw Milk (yeah I said peeps) (yeah I regret it), was he not the best part? But maybe that's just because he made out with Guy from Running with Scissors. ALSO GUY FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL WAS IN MILK. HOW HAS THIS NOT BEEN DISCUSSED ON THIS BLOG YET?? I THOUGHT THIS REVELATION WAS WORTHY OF REMAINING IN A BOLDED CAPS LOCK!!


WOO!!

Excuse me. Now, I haven't seen Man on Wire, but that was my favorite acceptance speech by someone who didn't actually win, um, ever. I kept wanting him to come onstage and like make Jennifer Aniston disappear or something. Aw, just kidding. That was what Angelina Jolie wanted.

Speaking of Angelina Jolie and Wanted, is anyone else shocked that this was actually nominated for anything? I don't want to spoil the end, but do you know what I'm talking about? And how RIDICULOUS that is? And how that cheap ploy of special effects haunts my brain? And Angie's? But HEY, Hotter as a Faun himself was in that one, so they do get some points for that.

Fly away, Faun! Fly away!!

I hadn't seen any of the foreign language nominees, but I had seen the trailers for and The Class and Waltz with Bashir, so I really considered myself an authority on this category. In other news, how COOL did Departures look after they showed that clip? Morgue? Intrigue? JAPANESE CELLISTS? Have that guy make out with Ed Harris and I'm in.

BITCH BREAK: How was Appaloosa not nominated for ANYTHING??

Actress in a Leading Role was not as exciting of a category... I kind of assumed Kate Winslet's agent worked hard enough to make sure she would win SOMETHING this year. I mean, I do love her - though I didn't see The Reader much like Hugh Jackman (who, by the way, OWNED hosting) - and she was my pick to win. I didn't think Meryl Streep was going to win, though she did do her best Devil Wears Habit in Doubt. God, I've been wanting to make that joke forEVER.

I was pretty sure Sean Penn was going to win it for Milk (and calling Americans "commie homo sons of guns" was a PRETTY genius move, Spicoli), even though Mickey Rourke did completely disappear into the Ram*. Again, I was really happy that Richard Jenkins was nominated, because he is seriously so talented and The Visitor is a fantastic little movie that I never would have seen otherwise.

*that came out grosser than intended, but so it STAYS.

"Aah, the delicious irony that I call people fags in this movie."

Aaaaaand here we are at Best Picture. I do think that Slumdog Millionare deserved to win - what an original film, even if the very basic fairy tale plot line wasn't too original. I would have like to have seen Milk win, because I would've gotten a degree in Queer Cinema if they would've let me, but I think Slumdog was a worthy opponent as /Nixon would say.

On a final note, the evening was really made by three, count 'em, THREE appearances by Zac Efron. Had he been around when I was 13 and not Johnny Depp, I would have DIED. Except that I think he is 13. And where is Johnny Depp anyway? Don't you feel like he's been a staple of the Oscars since he had his Winona tattoo altered?

Oh, you're here!