A Kinder, Gentler, Foxier Camelot

Hey Hollywood. We know you're reading this blog (who could blame you, honestly), and we'd like to take a moment to take this relationship to the next level. That's right, we want to make a King Arthur movie. I don't know if you've perused your DVD collection lately, but Arthurian cinema is in a sad state. Woefully inaccurate (First Knight), boring (King Arthur), and silly (Excalibur), the only film worth it's salt is the made-for-TV movie Merlin. Come on Hollywood, do you really want to be outdone by a made-for-TV movie?

Here are our casting choices (script coming soon...):

Arthur -- 1st choice: Jack Davenport...don't let legend fool you, no matter how hard he tries, Arthur just can't seem to get shit done. He can't please his wife (pulling the sword from the stone is about as phallic as Arthur gets) or kill anything without the help of his knights. Jack is in his element playing powerful characters who never meet their goal. Or maybe I've just seen Pirates of the Carri bean too many times. 2nd choice: Anthony Stewart Head...if he isn't too busy running Britain or slaying vampires or anything.

Lancelot -- Kevin Kline...Maybe some of you have seen a little movie titled A Fish Called Wanda in which K-Kline seduces Jamie Lee Curtis by speaking Italian to her in bed. PICTURE THIS: Lancelot is a Roman knight (a sword prodigy with pretty hair) who was banished from the court for seducing the Emperor's daughters. He's a bad guy (Arthur didn't get along with Rome), gone good at the Round Table, gone very bad after taking Guenevere to new heights of adulterous ecstasy. Hey, when you look that good, you can't help who falls into bed with you...

P.S. You're wrong. K-Kline is still a fox.

Guinevere -- Cate Blanchett...could anyone else pull off this beautiful/bitchy/barren/adulterous queen quite like Cate? After Arthur uncovers her infidelity she will either A) get burnt at the stake or B) go crazy with grief and travel to Canada to form a Celtic, lesbian metal band with Isolde (see below).

Isolde -- Kate Winslet...a princes from Ireland, Isolde was engaged to King Mark from the British mainland. Tristan was sent to fetch her for the wedding, and (depending on the author) they either fall madly in love or accidentally take a love potion and fall madly in love. Either way Kate gets to make out with Christian AND Mads (see below).

Tristan -- Christian Bale...Tristan was once described as being the pinnacle of masculinity. I kid you not, this movie practically casts itself. What's really interesting about Tristan is that everyone is totally enamored by him, and I mean EVERYONE. When he arrives at King Mark's court, the author spends like half a page describing Tristan's legs. And Mark totally wants to do him. It's a love triangle that swings both ways.

King Mark -- Mads Mikkelson...interesting side note: Mads played Tristan (the guy with the hawk) in King Arthur. Would save lots of money as Mads already knows how to be totally bad ass.

Isolde's lady servant -- Angelica Huston...As a result of her love affair with Tristan, Isolde is not a virgin on her wedding night to King Mark. Drama! The crafty queen enlists her servant to pose as herself in bed so Mark will not become suspicious. Unfortunately, Angelica calls out "Mon chere" whilst in the throes of passion and the jig is up. Raul Julia is made to rise from the grave and take over.

Kay -- Steve Coogan...he's slightly incompetent, boorish and probably goes into battle drunk more often than he should. Yet Kay's loyalty to Arthur is never questioned. He's the life of the feast or your average castle-raising party...much like Steve Coogan.

Galahad -- Tim Roth...the pure, Christian knight, Galahad is Lancelot's bastard son with a woman who pretended to be Guenevere for a night. Upon discovering she was bearing his son, Lancelot took off. Very chivalrous, Dad. Also, being a knight of the Round Table, Galahad gets all the pussy he wants served to him on a silver platter, but he doesn't want it. Gallant, religious Galahad remains celibate throughout the legend. And really, no one wants to see Tim Roth have sex anyways. Everybody wins.

Gawain -- Heath Ledger...Gawain is basically the best knight ever. He's the guy you call if you've got a Saxon problem and was named #1 hottest bachelor of the Round Table. Also, in the Alliterative Morte Arthure, Arthur may get some of his blood in Gawain's beard as he's kissing him on G's deathbed. Exchange of bodily fluids = hot, Arthurian, knight-sex.

The Green Knight -- Sean Connery, reprising his unforgettable role from the 1980s epic film The Sword of the Valiant...and if he won't come out of retirement, I guess rugged Hugh Jackman would be our second choice. With Eric Bana coming in as a close third. A money-saver as he already has his costume. Some Hulk-related humor for you...you're welcome.

Gogmagog -- Phillip Semore Hoffman -- People claim that PSH can play anyone. Well Gogmagog is a giant. Let's see Mr. Capote try and take that role on. If he fails, we can always try and get Ben Kingsley. Cause you know, he is a Sexy Beast.

Yeah, I went there.

Mordred -- Jonathan Rhys Meyers...the guy was basically made for this role. He plays a king in The Tudors, a murderer in Matchpoint and a product of an incestuous relationship in Bend It Like Beckham. Kiera was his mom, right? Mordred is the knight who takes down Arthur and Camelot. Mutinous knight or the love-child of Arthur and his sister? Either way Mordred is always pissed off. But deliciously foxy nonetheless.

Merlin -- Gary Oldman...magic and fantasy are two crucial elements to making a King Arthur movie successful. You can't skip Merlin (shame on you, First Knight) or make him a normal man (King Arthur) because his magical presence is part of what makes the legend so unforgettable. Gary Oldman brings the wisdom, playfulness and mysticism needed to bring this character back in style. Would save money yet again as Gary already has that super ridiculous hat.

Morgan Le Fay -- Helena Bonham Carter...Sometimes she's a vengeful witch. Most of the time, she's Mordred's mother and Arthur's half-sister/lover. Go watch Merlin, and you'll understand why we have to cast Bonham Carter.

In fact, just go watch Merlin.